Deeper.

This morning I woke up thinking about deep friendships I miss in San Diego. Although I love the people we're doing life with here, I have yet to find friends I can be around and feel safe letting my guard down. (I can name certain SD friends who are probably cheering at this fact, thinking I should come home now!) Not the case! I miss you though, and I'd love to see you!

More than anything, I'm realizing the similarities between my deep friendships and my worn out softball glove. I like asking my teammates to try my glove on, because no one, NO ONE can fit it on their hand! It's pretty funny. I've had my glove since the mid 1990's, the leather inside is pretty much shredded. But...my glove fits ME perfect. In fact, it fits BETTER every time I put it on! It has taken me years and years and years to break in my softball glove to give it the perfect crease for my hand. Do I even need to explain this analogy?

I wish it didn't have to take years and years to cultivate a deep friendship, but truth is, it's going to take longer than I want it to. REALLY?! Ugh. You mean, my husband needs to suffice as my ONLY closest friend right now?! BORING! Don't get me wrong. My friendship, my marriage-ship (new word) with my hubby is my refuge! Especially now! But I miss my HIZZIES! The ones who know the hidden meaning behind the dumb things I say. The ones I can hug, and without saying a word, they can KNOW in that moment how much I care about them! The ones who I've known forever, and who know me as the same person they love me for, no matter how much I change. Did that make sense?

It wouldn't make sense or be fair to place expectations on the friendships I'm cultivating right now. I knew from the beginning exactly what I wanted my glove to feel like when I caught a ball, but it took lots of time and shaping to get it that way!

Maybe this is why my initial realization of who God is was so powerful, emotional and earth shattering for me. In ONE moment, God was everything I could desire out of a deep friendship. Actually, God was the model of what a deep friendship had the potential to be. The relationship between friends that would normally take years and years to shape, took one split moment with God.

Or maybe I'm getting this whole thing wrong. Maybe I'm waiting for a friend to meet the desires of my heart that only God wants to fulfill. Maybe God moved me all away across the country to cut me off from those friendships I've been feeding off of so that HE could have my full attention and bless me with a deeper friendship in Him. Maybe even one that's closer than a brother. Wow! That sounds like something I could look into!

I think I'll always long for depth in my friendships. And, I'm ok with that! But for now, while I'm aching for deeper friends, I'm going to ask God to fill that throb in my soul with His intended love for me, that I've possibly put in second place. Ouch...try admitting that one!

Here are some of the friends I miss, and some words worth listening to in my short moment of clarity.