Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Still Keepin' It Real.

It's been waaaay too long since I've updated 'The Other Cause'. I don't even want to look at the date of my last post, because it depresses me to think how long I've neglected this once vibrant, full of life, blog. There are many technical reasons as to why I've taken such a lonnng break. There are also just as many personal reasons I haven't been here. More of an 'at loss for words' deal than by choice.

If I were to say these past few months have been a roller coaster ride, I'd be lying. Life's been more of a friggin skydive...and scrambling in mid air to remember where the cord is to release the stupid parachute.

I'd like to think I have a pretty positive outlook on life. And in the darkest of nights, I've managed to keep fighting my way through looming depression, guilt, dispair and hopelessness. I wish I could start a new paragraph now and talk about how all of that's changed! Ha! I can't.

So many things still need to fall in to place. I could list them, but I won't in attempts to save this post from becoming the pity party rant...that it's quickly turned into!

"WHERE HAVE YOU FIXED YOUR HOPE?" was a simple, yet heart checking question I was faced with this weekend during a message at Journey. I kinda did a double take when I heard it asked, because for some reason those words shot straight through to my soul. Totally caught off guard and I knew God wanted me to answer that question. Ouch. All I could think about were millions of things I wanted. A car, a job, a house, nice clothes, cable, internet, endless amounts of cash!!! ...And other not so tangible things. Security, peace, comfort, contentment. I've spent countless, sleepless nights staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how to put all the pieces together so that I could obtain all of these 'things', in attempts to finally be happy, safe, secure, and content. For whatever reason, those attempts have been unsuccessful and have put me inside a big tunnel of anxiety. Where have I fixed my hope?!

If I truly believed what I claim to believe about who God is, my concern and values would revolve around the things that please Him and bring Him glory, NOT vice-versa. By placing my hope in the 'stuff' I want for ME, I'm doing nothing more than locking myself up in a dungeon and becoming a slave to societies standards.

God's will for me is SO much bigger than the things I want. I wish I could wrap my brain around the fact that I'll NEVER be able to wrap my brain around how God works, and how giving total control to Him, means FREEDOM for me! This realization takes away fear, and reminds me how truly 'well off' I already am. We're surrounded by a great community of friends and family who love us so much. We have two beautiful boys and the opportunity to shape them into lives that could possibly change the world! We have a great marriage, that has been tested and made its way through fire! And we have our whole lives ahead of us to make an impact in countless other lives...to name a few!

I have such a long way to go, but I'm eager to start intentionally FIXING MY HOPE on Christ. And anticipating ohhh the sweet ways He CHANGES the desires of my heart!


bub said...

Thanks for keepin it real. I always love your honesty. It's through overcoming or even just accepting all the crap in our lives that we truly glorify Our Lord. You rock!

Christian said...

So glad to see you're back!