So NOT ok!

If you just read the timestamp on this post, you know that I'm up WAY too early this morning. And if you know me, then you know the reason I'm up right now because my heart is consumed...usually when I wake up earlier than 3AM, this means I'm worrying about something. The bad thing about that is, at 3AM anything I could possibly be worrying about is completely exaggerated...and come 7:00AM I will think back and wonder why I lost sleep over worrying about something so petty.

Tonight (or this morning, I should say) I'm up, not so much because I'm worried, but because I just had a revelation about myself that I needed to talk through! After writing a few notes in my Moleskine I decided to share with you a thought that I've been wrestling with since Sunday morning.

I've never been much of a positive thinker. I wouldn't say I'm an all out pessimist, but I do tend to weigh out pro's AND con's of almost any situation. I do really hate this piece of negativity inside of me... and I really don't know where it came from!

I shared with you earlier this week, that Lee's talk was about Caring... and what the world would look like if we all TRULY cared about each other. A couple things he said really HIT me in regards to my perception of people and life in general.

1. "We cannot truly care about people until we can admit we're broken, and flawed ourselves".
I LOVED this thought. It's easy to feel sorry for someone. For the poor, needy, hungry, homeless... but it's another thing to feel sorry and to feel compassion. Feeling sorry is having a deep awareness of the suffering of another. Feeling compassion, by definition is- a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. Most times, when I'm aware of the suffering of another, I'm just glad I'm NOT that person. I'm thankful God hasn't placed me in THAT situation...but this isn't the idea God had in mind at all. God IS compassion and I have so much to learn from Him in this area. My awareness of the suffering of another is NOT coupled with the wish to relieve it, until...I put myself in a place of reality of how small and broken I am. How "not much different" I am from that guy begging for food on the street corner. How... most of us are just a couple of paychecks away from being homeless ourselves! These sobering thoughts drive us to compassion, where our sorrow is "coupled with the wish to relieve it." What would the world be like if we were all truly compassionate towards each other? I'd say...probably a LOT different.

2. Admitting Brokenness...To God
In the past year or so, I've been in a battle with negativity and doubt in my life. Friends have suggested books about the power of positive thinking... but something has just always IRKED me about telling myself that "I'm OK!" Now, I'm not saying that feeling broken and flawed ALL the time is healthy or a good thing AT ALL. The "False Humility = Pride" equation falls into that perspective, and I don't want to be a part of that either! I think I've just REALLY come to grips with my brokenness and NEVER try to deny that it's there. One thing I'm realizing that I'm missing from this whole perspective is "going to God with my brokenness." This is also something Lee mentioned this past weekend. Until I'm at the feet of God literally GIVING Him my brokenness, and asking for His wholeness, my initially healthy thoughts of discontent turn into poisonous lies from the enemy, worry, negativity, and harmful self perception. God meant for me to use my brokenness as a tool for compassion. For so long, I've been stuck on myself, trying to figure out how to change MY outlook on life, when really I need to be asking God DAILY to make me whole, so that He can channel that admitted brokenness into compassion for the people around me.

I hope at least some of that made sense!!

I'm so glad that I'm a work in progress. I'm thankful that God isn't finished with me yet! The way He pursues me makes me fall in love with Him more and more every time I think about it!

It's time to get the day started...I can already tell it's going to be a good one!